Jokes

A mate of mine ordered a Halloween costume last week & asked me if he could post it to my house as he wouldn't be in to collect it.So when the postman handed me the parcel I opened it by mistake & there was a rooster mask & a bag of lollipops inside. When my mate turned up to pick up his parcel I asked him "what are you going as a cock-sucker!".

I was in my local pub this past weekend when a smoking hot Ashley-Emma lookalike approached me at the bar & said to me "mmmm,you smell nice what have you got on?".

I replied "A hard-on but I didn't know you could smell it!".



The Ken Dodd joke;

An attractive young woman approached me in the high-street this morning & said to me "Excuse me handsome can you tell me where the Optician's are?".

With the tragic death of pop icon George Michael almost 2 years ago what the media failed to report at the time was the paramedics on discovering his body had found a chocolate bar sticking out of his arse.

-It was a Careless Wispa.

My girlfriend stood in front of me naked this morning & asked me what I liked about her the most,her pretty face or her hot body.I looked her up & down & said "Definitely you're sense of humour!".

A workmate of mine came up to me the other day bragging about how he had joined a gym & works-out there every day & with all the hard work he has put in he claims he now has the body of a Greek God. - I had to politely explain to him that Buddha wasn't a Greek God.

How do you think the unthinkable - With an itheberg.


I went to the most emotional wedding last weekend where everyone attending got upset.Even the wedding cake was in tiers.

Be alert...we need all the lerts we can get!

I fucking hate Russian Dolls - They are so full of themselves.

After 20 years in the same job I've been looking for a career change & I think I have found the perfect job,making mirrors.Yeah, a mirror-maker is definitely a job I can see myself doing.