Jokes

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.

"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?

General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

A crusty old Major was invited to a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom
approached the Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should maybe lighten up a little. Relax, have a drink and enjoy yourself."

The Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out, relax and stop taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact way, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

I told my wife "My resolution is to be a happier person"

"That's lovely!" she said

"I'm glad you think so, your bag's by the front door."

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 4 half sisters !

I’ll never forget how happy I was when I saw my beloved walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age, but eventually, there she was, stood beside me.

I gave her a cheeky wink and said “Get that trolley over here love, they’re doing three cases of Carling for the price of two”.

Met this Dutch girl with inflatable shoes in a pub after work last week, really fancied her so asked her out on a date.

When I tried to contact her again I was heartbroken to hear she’d died. Apparently she’d popped her clogs.

I couldn't help but share the fantastic news with my girlfriend earlier today that I had just won the lottery.I said to her "Hurry up darling pack your bags I've just won the lottery!" that's wonderful she said "where are we going on holiday somewhere hot would be nice & what do I pack something light or something heavy?".

-I said "Just pack them & fuck off!".

Have you heard about the new latest must-have fashion accessory,corduroy pillows?.
- Apparently they are making the headlines.

Went to a mate’s funeral the other day...
He died at a tennis match...
Hit between the eyes with a ball...
It was a lovely service.

I was sacked from being a dodgem car attendant after an incident that wasn’t my fault.

I took them to a tribunal for funfair dismissal.