Jokes

Little girl comes home the other day and her Daddy says "what did you learn in school today"
The little girl says she did Religious Education and the father asks "who did you learn about?"
The girl looks at her father and says "Well we learnt about a man called Lot whose wife was told not to look back at the city and was turned into a pillock of salt!"

My dad always said to me “Son, fight fire with fire” probably why I failed the firemen’s practical exam

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his taxi.

What do you call a vegan with diarrhoea ?

A smoothie maker

A chap goes for a job interview.

We are looking for somone responsible said the interviewer.

I'm your man said the chap. Whenever anything went wrong at my previous job, my old boss said I was always responsible.

Had a dream about that girl in a sci fi series Millie Bobbie Brown and she was riding a unicorn with a fish companion. I told my friend about it and asked him if it meant anything, he didn't know but he said "well stranger things have happened!" (I made this up on the spur of the moment btw)

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years and my wife asked me recently to get some pills that would make sure I’d be up to some action in the bedroom again.

I brought home diet pills. Apparently not quite what she meant.

What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?

"Some arsehole has my pen."

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges our dinner plates by how much they cost.

It’s an extremely rare dish order!

Two windmills are in a field. One asks, "What kind of music do you like?"

The other one says, "Well, I’m a big metal fan."