Jokes

I had a dream last night that all the oceans were orange.

When I woke up I realised it was just a Fanta sea.

When I first heard Julie Andrews singing.. Doh. Re .Mi...

I thought to myself she'll go Fa.

Terry sitting in his local pub with his mate Joe leans over to his satchel on the floor, opens it and says quietly "Joe, Got some cracking pictures here. I stole them from a shop in town. You can see they are worth a bundle. Look at this one - Worth £250,000! Interested?"

Joe leans over to have a look and says "Terry. You're an idiot. You've only gone and bloody robbed an Estate Agents!"

I was out with my wife at a restaurant last night and the waiter asked "do you wanna box for the leftover food"?
I said "No thanks, but I will wrestle you for it"

People wonder why I call my toilet “the Jim” instead of “the John.”

I do it so I can say “I go to the Jim first thing every morning.”

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday. The following week she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, "He was born in a manger."

Bobby said, "He threw the money changers out of the temple."

Little Johnny said, "He has a red pickup truck but he doesn't know how to drive it."

Curious, the teacher asked, "And where did you learn that, Johnny?"

"From my Daddy," said Johnny. "Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and Daddy yelled at him, 'Jesus Christ! Why don't you learn how to drive?'"

What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all.

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

A guy went to an extremely attractive female doctor for his annual
checkup. She told him that he had to quit masturbating.
He asked why and she said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”

A lightning bolt walked into a bar. The barman looked up and said: "Well, strike me."

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”