Jokes

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says, "We've got to do this over and over again till we get it right."

A nurse says, "Hold still, this won't hurt a bit."

And an airline stewardess says, "Put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."

What is the difference between a fox and a pig?
About five or six beers!!!


There was a pub, directly opposite a hospital.
One day a man walked in wearing a white hospital smock and pulling a drip attached to his wrist on a stand on casters.
He approached the bar and the barman eyed him suspiciously.
He eventually approached the man who said, "Could I please have a double whiskey?"
The barman duly placed it on the bar where the man picked it up and downed it in one.
"I shouldn’t have had that with what I've got" said the man.
"Why, what's that?" asked the barman.
"10p" replied the man.

I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles earlier today. Going for a shit could spell trouble.

A woman leaning at the bar says to the barman:
"I love the strong silent type"
"You mean a man like me" He says.
"No farts. Like the one i've just done."

What's the difference between a downhill putt and a blowjob?
You'll never hear a guy getting a blowjob say, "Slow down! Stop! BITE YOU COCKSUCKER!"

A woman was in intensive care last night after cutting herself badly while shaving her minge.
Doctors this morning say her condition is stubble.

A man is chatting away to his barber.

"It's silly he said. "But my daughter has some crazy idea about losing her hair.

"What do you mean" the barber asked

"Well i overheard her on her phone the other day telling her best friend that she hope's to be balled soon.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.


Horse meat found in Tesco burgers. Camel toe found in Primark leggings.


The FA have asked Sir Alex Ferguson to explain, in writing, his recent comments. It seems that nobody could understand a word the cunt said after the game the other day.


Jason Puncheon left the pitch during the Southampton v Everton match ''to answer a call of nature.''
Afterwards, the manager said that he was impressed with his runs.

Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy?
No, neither did I.

As my girlfriend started to whine, I gently patted her back, "That's right. Let it all out."

But it doesn't matter how much air you remove, you can never get your blow-up doll back in the box.

Q: What do blondes and doorknobs have in common?

A: Everyone gets a turn.

What do you get when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over?

Dough Nuts!

What do President Bush and President Clinton have in common?
They both let Dick do the thinking.

What do you call a dwarf eskimo with a hard-on?

A Frigid Midget With A Rigid Digit!

I went to see the doctor about my hearing loss and he gave me some medicine and told me to take two drops a day in my beer.
I've been doing it for 5 days now and I still haven't noticed any improvement...


My girlfriend's father asked me, "How much do you love my daughter?"
"With all my heart," I answered.
"Looks like you're ready for marriage," he said, "your lying skills are excellent."

Alex Ferguson has been quick to leap to the defence of Eden Hazard, exclaiming that he acted in self defence as the ball boy was in possession of a dangerous weapon.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.
The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.