Favourite TV & Film Quotes & Dialogue

These lines always make me fall off the sofa...

Lord Flasheart: You look like a decent British bloke. I'll park the old booties on you if that's okay.

Private Baldrick: It would be an honour, my Lord.

Lord Flasheart: [Flashheart rests his feet on Baldrick's back and sighs] , Have you any idea what it's like to have the wind rushing through your hair, George?

Lieutenant George: No, Sir.

Lord Flasheart: [Flashheart breaks wind in Baldrick's face] He has!

Blackadder the Third - Dish and Dishonesty.

Blackadder: Right. Now all we have to do is fill in this MP application form. Name...Baldrick. First Name?

Baldrick: Er, I'm not sure.

Blackadder: Well you must have some idea.

Baldrick Well it might be Sod Off.

Blackadder: What?

Baldrick Well when I was little and used to play in the gutter, I used to say to the other snipes "Hello my names Baldrick" and they'd say "Yes we know. Sod off Baldrick"

Blackadder: All right. Mr S. Baldrick. Now then distinguishing features...none.

Baldrick:Hold up, I've got this big growth in the middle of my face.

Blackadder: That's your nose Baldrick. Now any history of insanity in the family... Tell you what I'll cross out the "In". Any history of Sanity in the family...None whatsoever. Now "Criminal Records?"

Baldrick: Absolutely not.

Blackadder: Oh, come on Baldrick. You're going to be an MP for gods sake!. Look I'll just put fraud and sexual deviancy.

Austin Powers in Goldmember (2002)

Fook Mi: [runs to Austin] Austin Powers! You're so great and so sexy!
Austin Powers: Thanks, baby! Now what's your name?
Fook Mi: Fook Mi!
Austin Powers: Can you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Fook Mi: No! Fook Mi! Like this!
[turns away so Austin can see Fook Mi written on her bag]
Austin Powers: Oh! Your name's Fook Mi!
Fook Mi: Would you like a drink?
[runs away to get drink]
Austin Powers: Actually I have a private bar...
[Fook Mi's twin sister, Fook Yu arrives]
Fook Yu: Here you go!
[gives him drink]
Austin Powers: [thinking she's Fook Mi] Fook Mi, that was fast!
Fook Yu: Fook Yu!

Fook Mi: Do we make you sleepy?
Austin Powers: Well, you make me many things but sleepy's not one of them.

It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (1963)

Officer: How long ago this happen?
Ding Bell: About 5 minutes, a few minutes ago, about 5 minutes ago, Officer.
Officer: Anybody see it, actually see it happen.
elton Crump: Well er, he pass me on the curb you know, when he made the curb....
Officer: [interrupts] Did anyone actually see it?
J. Russell Finch: Well, he was passing me, when he sail right out there [points] right over there, up there.
Officer: Who was the first down to him?
[The men all talk at once simultaneously]
Officer: Was he dead? Was her already dead!?! I said was he already dead when you got down here.
Benjy Benjamin: Practicality.
Officer: He was still alive, did he say anything.
[Benjy Benjamin gestured "no" with his hands]
Officer: I said, did he say anything before he died?
Lennie Pike: What about?
Officer: What do you mean what about?! Did he say anything or didn't he say anything?
Lennie Pike: Well...
[The other men all looked at him]
Lennie Pike: He, he was...
Ding Bell: He was raving, Officer, that what he was.
Officer: What about raving?
elton Crump: : Yeah, he said were, what he said was sort of, it was sort of -
J. Russell Finch: Embarrassing.
Officer: What was? What was? Come on, come on.
Benjy Benjamin: He thought that this fellow [points to Milville Crump] was his aunt.
Officer: [confused] His aunt!?
Ding Bell: Yeah, his Aunt Belle [chuckles]
Lennie Pike: That right, he must of had a aunt named Aunt Belle.

Nothing To Lose (1997)

I know it's a crap film - but this scene just cracks me up. Arachnophobes look away now...

Star Trek: The Next Generation
Season 7, Episode 5 - "Gambit"

Commander Data (Brent Spiner) is Acting Captain of the Enterprise. Here he has to put Lieutenant Worf (Michael Dorn) in his place...

Young Frankenstein

Dr Frankenstein: [To Igor] Igor may I speak with you a moment?
Igor: Of Course.
Dr F: Sit down won't you?
Igor: Thank you [Sits on the floor]
Dr F: No, No Up here.
Igor: Thank you [Sits on a chair]
Dr F: Now...that brain you gave me...was it Hans Delbruck's?
Igor: [Crosses arms] No.
Dr F: [Holds up hand] Ah. good. Uh...would you mind telling me...whose brain...I did put in.
Igor: And you won't be angry.
Dr F: I will not be angry.
Igor: [Shrugs] Abby...someone.
Dr F: Abby Someone? Abby who?
Igor: Abby Normal.
Dr F: [Takes a deep breath] Abby Normal?
Igor: I'm almost sure that was his name. [He and Dr F laugh]
Dr F: Are you saying...[Stands] that I put an abnormal brain [Puts hand on Igor's hump] into a 7 and a half foot long...54 inch wide [Grabs Igor by the throat] GORILLA?!?!?! [Strangling Igor] Is That what you're telling me.

Blackadder II : Beer

Blackadder: Get the door Baldrick.

[There is a crash. Baldrick enters carrying a door]

Blackadder: Baldrick, I would advise you to make the explanation you are about to give...phenomenally good.

Baldrick: You said "Get the door."

Blackadder: Not good enough, you're fired.

Baldrick: But my lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

Blackadder: So has syphilis! Now get out!

Family Guy, Season 7, Episode 7, Ocean’s Three and a Half

[The Griffins are at the dinner table having a evening meal]
Lois: Peter, I want you to promise me you never to something that stupid, again.
Peter: Lois, after what you did for Joe, I promise you anything. How the hell did you get your dad to give him that $20,000?
Lois: I told him it was for me, I said I want to hire a divorce lawyer.
Peter: [laughs nervously] Your.... your joking about that, right?
[Lois gets up and say nothing, takes Peter's and her plate and walks into the kitchen. Peter looks worried]
Peter: [worried] Lois....your joking, right?
[Lois still says nothing]
Peter: [really worried] LOIS!