Jokes

Lipstick at School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators...

Toward the end of Sunday service, the minister asked the congregation: "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
Eighty per cent held up their hands.

The minister then repeated his question, and all held up their hands except for one little old lady. "Miss Collins" asked the minister, "are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly. "Miss Collins, that is very unusual, How old are you? the minister asked. "Ninety-eight" she replied.

"Wonderful" gushed the minister. "Miss Collins, would you be so kind as to come down out front and tell the rest of the congregation how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The sweet little old lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said: "Because I outlived the Bitches!"

The Pope, Billy Graham, and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Pacific Ocean. They all died and went to heaven together.
"Oh, this is terrible," exclaims St. Peter, "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but this is just one of those coincidences that happen. Since we weren't expecting you, your quarters just aren't ready... We can't take you in and we can't send you back...."

Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone, "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix the place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. What d'ya say?"

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

However, two days later, St. Peter got a call.

"Pete, Lu. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns.
This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody,
the Graham guy is saving everybody,
and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning."

A man walks into a dvd store and complained:

"I bought this dvd of a famous movie about the Allies defeat at Arnhem in the Second World War, but it has been cut so such that a lot of the key scenes are missing. It's impossible to follow the story. I want the original full-length version.

The sales clerk replied: "Ah, yes. I know the movie you mean. It's been abridged too far."

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

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She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

Patient: "Doctor, I've got herpes, syphilis, and gonorrhoea"
Doctor: "Ah, you're what we call an incurable romantic."

An old man was telling his friend about the fitness club he had just joined. "I took part in an aerobics class for seniors" he said.

"How did it go?" his friend asked.

"Well, I bent, twisted, turned, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour, but by the time I'd finally got my leotard on, the class had ended.

A teacher had asked each child to bring one electrical appliance into school for a "show and tell" session.

"What did you bring, Mary?" asked the teacher.
"I brought a Kettle."
"And what's it for?"
"It's for boiling water, miss"
"That's very good Mary" said the teacher. "Now, Billy, what have you brought for us?"
"I brought an electric can opener, It opens cans miss."
"Well done Billy" said the teacher. "But I see that Jimmy hasn't brought anything."
"Yes I have miss, it's out in the corridor."
The whole class looked out into the corridor.
"What's that Jimmy? asked the teacher.
"It's a heart/lung machine" replied Jimmy. "They use it in hospitals to keep your heart going."
"I see. And what did your father say about it?"
"Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

"You're a male chauvinist pig" screamed the wife. "You have no respect for women, and I want a divorce. And I'm going to take you to the cleaners!"

"That's so unfair" replied the husband. "I'm a new man. I've always treated women with the upmost respect. And anyway isn't cleaning your domain?"

Ed Milliband.