Jokes

What do you do if a see a fireman ?
..Put it out..man

A Nature article reported that archaeologists in England found traces of copper wire at a dig site dated to 1,000BC and concluded that early Britons had invented an extensive telephone network. Two weeks later National Geographic reported that Scottish archaeologists have found similar copper wire traces dating almost 2,000BC and concluded that their ancestors had invented a high-tech communications network.

Two weeks after that Irish newspaper The Kerryman reported that amateur archaeologists had mounted a dig at a site dating to almost 3,000BC and found absolutely nothing. They concluded that prehistoric Irish tribes had already gone wireless.

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Recycling jokes and doing His bit for the environment
THE MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN

A midget with a speech impediment goes to buy a horse,
"can i see its eyeth" says the midget so the owner of the horse picks him up & shows him the horses eyes.
"very nithe says the midget, can i see its teefe" ,so the owner picks him up again & shows him its teeth.
"very very nithe says the midget, can i see twot", so the owner picks up the midget & holds his face up to the horses fanny
the midget says"ill repwase that, can i see it wun awound pwease..................."
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From Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work.
Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"
Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400. per day for
the last 23 years...!

Paddyfrank Wrote:From Bristol Evening Post:

Outside Bristol Zoo is the car park, with spaces for 150 cars and 8 coaches. It has been manned 6 days a week for 23 years by the same charming and very polite car park attendant with the ticket machine. The charges are £1. per car and £5. per coach.On Monday 1 June, he did not turn up for work.
Bristol Zoo management phoned Bristol City Council to ask them to send a replacement parking attendant.The Council said "That car park is your responsibility." The Zoo said "The attendant was employed by the City Council... wasn't he?" The Council said "What attendant?"
Gone missing from his home is a man who has been taking daily the car park fees amounting to about £400. per day for
the last 23 years...!

They never suspected a thing. Heh, heh, heh!

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Untouchable
THE MASTER OF HIS DOMAIN

My Rezimay

Deer Sur,


I waunt to apply for the secritary job I seen in thePaper. I can type real kwik wit one finggar and do Sum Acounting 2.

I think I am good on the fone and I am a pepole Person.
Pepole really seam to respond good to me.

I'm lookin for a jobb as a secritary but it Kant be 2Complikaited

My spelling is not 2 good but find that I awfin get a
Job Bcuz of my persinalety..

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want To pay me and wat you think that I am wurth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse 4 yore Anser.

Hopifuly I M Yore best aplicant so phar.

Sinseerly,


Peggy May McBiggins

PS : I half includeded a Pickture of me B low





Dear
Peggy May:

Start on Monday,
We have spell check.
Bob
__________________

I once knew a girl called April May...
...When her mother got angry, she would shout: "YOU'D BETTER MARCH APRIL MAY!"

i just got sent this so i thought i'd share.

TRAGEDY



A six-family apartment block burned down in London .

The Afghan family on the first floor all perished.

The Nigerian family on the third floor all perished.

The Albanian family on the fourth floor all perished.

The Sudanese family on the fifth floor all perished.

The Iraqi family on the sixth floor all perished.

However, no one was injured from the white English family on the second floor.

Ethnic & Refugee community leaders were enraged, calling a press conference and demanded from the Fire Chief an explanation of how this could possibly happen,

To which the Fire Chief replied ...

(see below)



































"The English family were all at work"

LMAO i like that one BigChuck

A man walked into the office of his psychiatrist , and sat down to explain his problem. "Doctor, doctor!" he started. "No need to repeat yourself, my good man," replied the doctor. "One 'doctor' is enough." "Yes, well, you see, I've got this problem," the man continued. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. A large, white, hairy Pyrenees mountain dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Come over here and lie down on the couch." "Oh no, Doctor. I'm not allowed up on the furniture."


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A tramp comes up to the front door of a large Mansion and raps gently on the door. When the owner answers, the tramp asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the tramp goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The tramp says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."


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Just a few Quickies then:

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?

A: Sexual Harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

A: £1.50 a minute.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: Why are you shaking? She is going to eat me.

Q: What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?

A: Gladiator