Jokes

One year I decided to buy my mother in law a cemetery plot

As a Christmas gift...

The next year I didn’t buy her a gift

When she asked why, I replied..

“Well you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

Who’s the coolest person working in a hospital?

The ultra sound guy.

Who’s the coolest when he’s not available?

The hip replacement guy.

My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts by sitting on them.

I reckon he’s torquing out of his backside.

I have the best doctor.

Every time I get my prostate checked he puts both hands on my shoulders to comfort me.

I'm sick of people knocking on my door begging.

Theres just been a woman asking for donations for a sperm bank.

I gave her a right mouthful!

Keep them coming guys. Some great stuff in here from you...

The missus was dancing on a pub table after having too much to drink last night.

"Great legs " said the bloke standing next to me

" you think so " I said

" yeah " he replied " most tables would collapse under all that weight "

A warehouse worker at Nestle was tragically killed when he was crushed by a pallet of chocolate that fell on him.

He could have been saved, but when he shouted " the milky bars are on me "
his colleagues just cheered.

I went to the video shop and asked if I could rent ‘Batman Forever’

The bloke said “No you’ve got to bring it back tomorrow”.

Got on the weight watchers website today looking for tips. First thing it asked me to do was to accept cookies!