Jokes

Jokey quote from Groucho Marx
"Outside of a book a dog is a man's best friend, inside of a dog it's too dark to read!"

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One lives in the outback, the others a Geordie stuck in a lift.

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti.

You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.

Whilst in the local supermarket recently with the wife,she suddenly blurted out 'you are one fucking lazy bastard '

Well,I was that shocked I almost fell out the trolley.

Ralph comes home pissed one night, stumbles upstairs, slides into bed beside his sleeping wife and falls into a deep slumber. He wakes up standing at the pearly gates before St Peter

"You died in your sleep, Ralph," St Peter explains.

"What?! No this can’t be!" Ralph cries. "I've so much to live for...please send me back."

St Peter explains that the only way Ralph is allowed back is in the form of a chicken. Devastated but desperate to see his family again, Ralph asks to be sent to a small farm near his house.

The next thing Ralph knows, he's covered in feathers, clucking and pecking around in the dirt on a warm summer's morning.

A rooster strolls past and says, "So you're the new hen? Hows your first day?"

Ralph the hen replies, "It’s not bad really, but I have this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, like I’m gonna explode."

"You're ovulating," explains the rooster. "Have you never laid an egg before?"

"Never," replies Ralph.

"Just relax and let it happen, there’s nothing to be afraid of," the rooster says reassuringly.

Ralph steadies himself and tries to relax and a few uncomfortable moments later, out pops his first egg. Ralph is overcome with relief and emotion at the feeling of becoming a mother. He soon lays a second egg. He is overjoyed.

Just as he readies himself to lay his third egg, he feels a sharp slap on the back of his head and hears his wife screaming, "Ralph you dirty bastard! Wake up, you've shit the bed again!"

The boss called me into his office today for yet another bollocking.

Calling me a useless shit and all sorts, he reckoned the best part of me ran down my mother's leg.

At which point I interrupted him and said, "Sorry, you cunt, the best part of me run down YOUR mother's leg, chin and throat."

Needless to say, I'm looking for work now.

Here's an oldie: What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?

Answer: Bing sings but Walt Disnae! (one for the Scottish there)

they say "home is where the heart is" but since the heart is in the chest, does that mean everyone lives in Chester?

With it being my girlfriends birthday in a few weeks time I asked her a few days ago what she would like."Oh get me something that goes 0-160 in 10 seconds or less" she coo's.I bought her a lovely pair of weighing scales.

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)

Dog: "Yep."

Englishman: How's he treating you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the park once a week to play."

Welshman: (Look of total disbelief!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Welshman: "Horse don't talk.”

Englishman: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool."

Welshman: (Extreme look of shock!)

Englishman: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Welshman)

Horse: "Yep."

Englishman: "How's he treating you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a nice stable to protect me from the weather."

Welshman: (Look of total amazement!)

Englishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Welshman: "That sheep is a fucking liar!’