Jokes

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?" The woman replies, "It's Doug. The midget!

The police phoned me to tell me my wife was in hospital.
"How is she?" I asked.
"Very critical," replied the officer.
"What's she fucking complaining about now?" I said.

I walked passed the YMCA today, and there was a teenage boy sat outside stroking some feathers....

I said, "Young man, there's no need to feel down!"

Here's an old one. Why is it so hard to ring someone in China? Because when you wing you get a wong number (very unPC that now)

And another:
Waiter! Do you have frogs legs?
Yes Sir!
Oh good, well hop over the counter and make me a sandwich!

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend? He gave her a ring!

Why did the biscuit go to the hospital? Because he felt crummy.

Doctor, doctor! I can't decide if I'm a wigwam or a teepee. Don't worry, you're just too tense!

What were the balloon's last words to his dad? Watch me, pop!

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.

There was a bloke cruelly nicknamed "one stone" by women, although he was great in bed he had only one testicle. Women were warned not to call him "one stone" or they would be sorry.

One woman saw him one day and accidentally went "hi one stone". He proceeded to take her home and for the entire day they had sex until the woman died of exhaustion.

A week later another woman was feeling brave, "hi one stone". She was taken back to his and they had sex all day. Next morning however she woke him demanding more sex, they again spent the day in bed but at midnight she was still wanting more, however one stone had had enough and couldnt do it anymore so just let her go home.

moral of the story is you cant kill two birds with one stone.

A farmer buys several sheep hoping to make a profit as he wanted them to breed.

After sometime there was no new sheep so he spoke to a vet, the vet explained about artificial insemination, the farmer didnt understand and somehow decided it meant he had to do it himself. One thing he did learn from the vet was that if the sheep were impregnated they would lie around the next day doing nothing.

He heads back to the farm, loads up the van and spends the day shagging sheep, next morning he looks out and the sheep are still running around.

He tries again that day but to no avail as the sheep are still running around the next day.

He decides to try one last time, spends the day shagging each sheep twice over. He gets to bed that night exhausted, he is still wrecked the next morning and cant get up out of bed. He says to his wife

"open the curtains and tell me are them sheep still running around?"
"no"

He leaps up,
"are they just lying around?"
"no"
"well for fucks sake if they aren't lying down and aren't running around then what the fuck are they doing?"
"They're in the van and one of them is honking the horn"