Jokes

What's a dentist's favorite time of day? Tooth hurty!

Knock Knock! Who's there? Doctor. Doctor Who? Exactly! How could you tell!

Liam Gallagher walked into a cafe and ordered a bowl of soup. The waiter said, "Do you want a roll with it?"

What do bakers and sunbathers have in common? They don't like to burn their buns.

Why couldn't the basketball stay in a relationship? It was always on the rebound!

A woman is given some bad news by her husbands best friend.

"im so sorry but when he was out with us today he died"
"oh god, what happened?"
"we went on a guinness tour, he fell into one of the big containers and drowned"
"he must have been terrified, at least it was over quickly"
"no actually he struggled for a long time"

the woman is inconsolable so the friend assures her

"I dont think he suffered"

she angrily goes

"how would you fucking know?"

he tells her

"sure he got out three times to have a piss"

I tried to start an online bakery, but I accidentally deleted all my cookies.

Why did the school ban scissors? To keep students from cutting class.

What do you call a short fortune-teller who's hiding from the police? A small medium at large.

Knock knock... Who's there? Cows say. Cows say who? No, silly - cows say moo.

I just entered a baking competition. The final was a piece of cake!

Why are horses great at cleaning? They're always hoof-ering!

How does one train hear that another one's coming? With its engine-ears!

Why did the raisin go to the dance with a prune? Because he didn't have a date.

I invented a new word

Plagiarism

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans.
You are such a rude class of people.
Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please, lady.
May I sit there?
I'm very tired."
The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans!
Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.
You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

Went to Richmond yesterday and got bored Shopping with my Wife,

She felt sorry for me. She gave me a £5 and told me to go for a Pint and meet her at the Bus Stop in an hour.

I had a wander around but somehow found myself in the Red-Light District.

Simply being curious I asked one of the girls "How Much"..???

The girl replies, "Forty for all the way, twenty for Oral or a Tenner for A Manual."

I told her I only had £5.

She said, “Sorry, but you won't get much for a Fiver."

So I shrugged my shoulders and continued to wander. I found a Pub, and. then went to meet my Wife.

While we were sitting together waiting for the Bus, the same working girl I spoke to earlier passes by on the other side of the road and recognised me.

She shouts over to me..

"See, I told ya, you wouldn't get much for a Fiver".

The wife brought home a tub of ice cream and asked me if I wanted some.

"How hard is it?" I asked.

She cheekily replied "As hard as your cock when you're thinking about me naked!"

I said "Go on then, pour me a glass!"

For our silver wedding anniversary i got a map of the world, gave my beautiful wife a dart and said we will go wherever the dart lands.

I'm happy to announce that in August we will be spending a lovely 2 weeks by the fucking skirting board.

my wife called me immature yesterday

i told her to get out of my fort