Jokes

Bloke phones up the dentist:
"How much to have a tooth pulled?"
Dentist: "£100.00 service - we give the patient laughing gas and there is no pain."
Patient: That's a bit steep anything cheaper?"
Dentist: "£50.00 service - we give the patient a drill extraction and there is some pain."
Patient: That's still a bit steep anything cheaper?"
Dentist: "£25.00 service rope and tackle job plenty of blood and pain for six months."
Patient: That's perfect Can i book the mother in law for next Friday morning?"

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

A homeless man up in front of a judge on aggravated begging charge says
"I don't recognise this court."
"Why not?"
"It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

It's Jimmy's wife birthday soon. So he says to her:
"What would you like for your birthday?"
She says: "I want a divorce."
he says:
"I wasn't planning on spending that much."

My mum won't let my dad make love to her anymore due to religious grounds

She claims to be Jewish and he's a pig

I keep randomly shouting out cauliflower and broccoli.

I think I must be suffering from florets.

Can I tap you for a fiver?
For a tenner you can hit me with a brick!

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy.“

Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their backs.

What do you call a fat person who Identifies as skinny ?

Trans-slender