Jokes

My wife has just left me because of my Star Wars infatuation.

All I could say to her was “May divorce be with you”

My wife said she is leaving me because of my bad habits.

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenail.

Just about to put a load of my John Lennon memorabilia on Ebay. Imagine all the Paypal.

A judge has just jailed a stammerer found guilty of assault.

It’s very unlikely, however, that he will complete his sentence.

For me, the urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” is always just a whim away...

After hours of intensive cross examination I reached a conclusion.
Its definitely a crucifix.

Random thoughts...

Feet smell and noses run.

The first parents ever to have identical twins must have been really confused.

Searching for a new laptop online is basically forcing your current computer to dig its own grave.

Has a giraffe ever smelled its own fart as it happened?

What if the spider I killed in my bedroom lived his whole life thinking I was his roommate and died wondering what brought on this sudden psychotic attack?

Sweater is a pretty disgusting name for a piece of clothing.

If you’re waiting to be served in a restaurant, shouldn’t you be called the waiter?

Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.

A belt is the most disgusting item of clothing. People always touch it right after they’ve used the bathroom, but nobody ever washes it.

It would be very nice if the car navigation voice would get more and more excited as you'd get closer to your destination.

It is more probable that you will get killed in your own home in the next half hour than that you will win the lottery.

Does my dog think I'm a hypocrite because I crap in the house?

Maybe we haven’t been invaded by aliens living millions of light-years away simply because when they look through their telescopes, all they see are giant scary dinosaurs.

A spider builds its home from its body products. If a human wants to achieve the same, he’d literally have to shit bricks.

“Where are you?” is likely the only question that’s never been asked in sign language.

If you are 30, you were here before every single one of the 900,000,000 dogs currently alive on Earth.

What do you get when you cross-breed a shark and a cow?
I have no idea but I wouldn’t try milking it.

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

8 p.m. I get an SMS from my girlfriend: Me or football?!
11 p.m. I SMS my girlfriend: You of course.

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.
Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.
Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.
Banana: Man, can we change the topic, please?

A cow asked me if I would help him round up 18 cows.

Yes of course I said.

That's 20 cows.

How many Labour MP's does it take to change a l lightbulb?
51 Or none. It is a matter for the NEC.

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little maths test

Here is your first question, the foreman said.

"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss.

"Here's your second question.

Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says,

"How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says,

"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,

"Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,

"A little dog come along and poop by each tree.

So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"