Jokes

Paddy bought himself a sleeping bag.

He spent the next three hours trying to wake it up!

What is the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire!!

Where do you learn how to make ice cream?

At sundae school.

A woman sees her husband trying to use the bathroom scale, and notices that he's sucking in his stomach.

"You know it doesn't work that way, right?" she asks.

"Well how else am I going to see the numbers?" he replies.

Why is pirating addictive?

Because once you lose your first hand, you get hooked.

A man enters a bar and orders 99 Martini's. The bartender exclaims "Wow ,.. 99 martini's ,.. you must be celebrating something.."
"Yep" the man replies..."I just had my first blowjob"
The bartender smiles and says " Cool !!... I'll even throw in the 100th one free"
The man looks at the bartender and says " No,.. that's ok ... if 99 of them don't get that taste out of my mouth ,.. 1 more sure isn't going help"

A husband, wife and their seven-year-old son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says ‘I'll have a chocolate cone, and my wife here will have a vanilla.’ He then slaps his son on the back of the head and says: ‘What do you want, fat-head?’ The lady behind the counter, shocked, says, ‘Why did you call him that?’ ‘I'll tell you why,’ says the dad. ‘There's really only three things a man wants in life. First, he wants a nice big truck. See that nice big truck parked outside? That's mine. Second, he wants a nice big house. I have one of the biggest houses in town. Third, and most important, he wants a nice tight pussy and I had that too until fat-head here came along.’

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times

Two electricians hit it off immediately after meeting one another

Well there was a definite spark between them

A woman told her husband to put on a blindfold whilst they were in bed, so he did. The wife then got out of bed, left and never came back

I think its safe to say he did not see that coming