Jokes

I noticed someone call their child Ryan Air

I thought to myself this kid's going places

A little girl is sitting on Santa's lap at the mall.

Santa asks, "And what do you want for Christmas?"

The girl says, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."

Santa says, "A G.I. Joe? Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?" And the girl says, "No, she comes with G.I. Joe. She fakes it with Ken."

What is the best part about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm read for free.

A blonde takes her car to a garage for repairs...

The mechanic fixes it in less than five minutes and says, "Nothing serious, ma'am, just shit in the air filter." And the blonde says, "OK, how often?"

Two American men are at a urinal, one man looks down to the other man's penis and notices a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick.

The first man asks the other "why do you have a 100 dollar bill tattooed on your dick?"

The second man responds "I have 3 reasons. Reason number 1. I like to play with my money.

Reason number 2. I like to watch my money grow.

And lastly. Have you ever seen a woman that wouldn't blow a hundred?"

I wondered what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 20 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

Gianni Versace, Freddie Mercury and Princess Diana all die...and arrive at The Pearly Gates at the same time. Saint Peter says to them, "Due to overcrowding, I can only allow one of you to enter Heaven. One at a time, tell me of the good things you did when you were alive, and then I will decide who gets in."

Freddie speaks up and says, "I was the singer for the rock band Queen. I was considered one of the greatest singers who ever lived. If I get in, I will sing with the angels. Heaven will never have sounded so good." Saint Peter considers this for a moment, then turns to Versace.

Versace says, "I was a world-famous fashion designer. I plan to remodel heaven. New robes for the angels, new curtains, the whole nine yards. Heaven will never have looked better." Again, Saint Peter considers this, then turns to Diana.

She doesn't say a word, she just whips out a bottle of Vagisil and begins to douche with it vigorously. Saint Peter says, "You're in!" Freddie and Versace are about to protest and Saint Peter says, "Sorry, boys -- a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day."

A young couple went to the doctor for their annual physical exams.

Afterwards, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news.

"The good news," he explained, "is that your fiancee has an particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before."

The guy paled.

"If that's the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?"

"Well," the doctor elaborated, "the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog's vet."

David walked into the neighborhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife. The bartender asked why.
"Well," David said, "yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town."
"So?" the bartender replies.
"So I order a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast--'to the best woman a man could have.' "
"What's wrong with that?"
"Four waiters joined in...."

A woman says to a psychiatrist, "I think I'm a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"