Jokes

>Dad do you think ghosts are real?
>No
>The maid says they are
>Pack your bags and meet me outside son.
>Why?
>We don't have a maid

Do you want to hear a really good batman impression?" asked my mate Dave.

"Go on then," I replied.

"NOT THE KRYPTONITE!" he screamed.

I said, "That's superman,"

He said, "Thanks, I've been practicing."

Three drunks hailed a taxi. The taxi driver seeing that they were so wasted when they got in,
he just switched on the engine and switched it off, and said we are here.
The 1st guy gave him money, 2nd guy said thanks, but the 3rd guy slapped him.
The taxi driver was stunned because he was hoping that none of them would have realized the car didn't move an inch.
So what was that for, he asked. Control your speed next time, you almost killed us.

Woke up this morning ... Turned to the wife and said ...
I had an erotic dream last night and you were in it ....
She smiled and giggled .. Was i a naughty girl then ???
No ' No i said ... You caught me shagging your sister

Tom and Anna are both 60 years old and have been married for 40 years.

One day they go for a walk and all of a sudden a good fairy stands in front of them and says, “You’ve been married for so long and you’re so cute together, I’ll grant you a wish each.”

The woman is beside herself with joy and wishes for a trip to Thailand. Poof – she’s holding two tickets to Thailand and a five star hotel voucher for two.

The man says, “Wow, that’s one chance in a lifetime! I’m sorry, darling, but I wish I had a wife that’s 30 years younger than me.”

“Are you sure?” asks the fairy. “Yes!” replies Tom without hesitation. Poof once more - and now he’s 90.

A man and his wife are getting ready for a gala event.

The wife gets into her dress and asks her husband, "Does this make my butt look too big, Derek?"

The husband sighs and says, "Sweetie, do you promise that you won’t get angry, no matter what I say?"

The wife gulps and says, "Of course, Derek, I promise, I won’t get angry."

The husband looks her over from all sides and says, "I slept with your cousin."

Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?

There was no chemistry.

An old couple is ready to go to sleep.

The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson.

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."