Jokes

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied,

‘Yes, who did you think it was?’”

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the bonnet of her Honda.

I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet.

I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.

I just found an origami porn channel, but it’s paper view only.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day.

Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

I was watching a really weird porno the other day, which was just a really fat man crying and wanking at the same time.

Then I realised I hadn’t turned the telly on

A sailor met a good looking blonde at the bar and was trying to get laid without much success. "I don't date servicemen," she said, "but I am curious as to why you sailors have those two rows of buttons on your pants."

"Why, that's because we have two peckers," the sailor replied.

"Interesting. And probably twice as much fun," replied the blonde. "Okay, let's go to my place and try them out."

So they went to her apartment, and after the first screwing the blonde said, "Boy, that was sure nice. I'm still horny, I want the other one now..."

Whereupon the sailor undid the other side of buttons, pulled out a limp, weary pecker, looked at it and sadly declared, "Well, I'll be damned! He's pouting because he wasn't FIRST!"

My girlfriend was complaining to me, that "we just don't communicate anymore."

Take last night for instance.

She left a note on the fridge, "It's not working. I can't take it anymore. I'm going to my Mom's place!"

I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold...

What the hell is she talking about ?

A guy walks into a pharmacy and asks for a bottle of Viagra.
The pharmacist says, "Do you have a prescription?"
The guy says, "No, but here's a picture of my wife."
"I'll have that ready for you in 10 minutes, sir," said the pharmacist.

Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive.
When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch
black instructor unzips his fly and says, "If you don't jump you're getting
this baby right up your ass!"
Mick asks, "Did you jump?"
Paddy replies; "A little bit... when it first went in."