Jokes

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks. It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared.

They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sit back and smile contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.

"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Derby. I want to know where I came from."

Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and get lost.

They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented, but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.

He asks the first guy what his job was.

"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.

"Then we'll shoot your dick off!" the prince says.

"I'm a fireman," the second guy says.

"Then we'll burn your cock off!" says the prince.

The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."

Another Little Johnny joke

One day little Jonny was at his house asleep until he heard his parents arguing and his mom called the dad a "bastard" and the dad called the mom a "bitch".
So little Jonny asked, "dad what does bitch and bastard mean?"
Then his dad said it meant "ladies and gentlemen."
So the next day little Jonny was upstairs in his room until he heard his mom moaning.
He walked into their room and the mom said "feel my titties" and the dad said "choke on my dick".
Little Jonny asked, "dad what does titties and dicks mean?"
So his dad said "coats and jackets."
Then it was Thanksgiving and they were having family over for the day and Little Jonny went upstairs and heard his dad say "shit!"
Because he had cut himself.
And Little Jonny said, "dad what does shit mean?"
So his dad said "it means wiping shaving cream off my face."
So little Jonny went back downstairs and his mom was in the kitchen stuffing a turkey and she yelled: "fuck!"
So little Jonny asked, "what does fuck mean?"
And she said "stuffing the turkey."
Then the doorbell rang, and Little Jonny opened the door and said: "hello bitches and bastards put your titties and dicks on the coat racket, my dads, upstairs wiping the shit off his face and my moms in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

I think it's disgraceful that after 50 years, people don't know who Neil Armstrong is, or the type of trumpet he played!!! ...

Two women were walking home home after a girls’ night out and they feel the need to pee,

so passing some bushes, they decide to go answer the call of nature.

Of course they have no paper, so the first one uses her underwear and then throws it away,

while the other woman luckily spots a gift-wrapping ribbon in a bush, pulls it out and uses that.

The next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other,

“You know, we ought to watch our wives when they go on their nights out.

My wife came home last night without her knickers.”

“You think that’s bad,” said the other husband,

“mine had a card stuck to her bum that said ‘from all the guys at the fire station – we’ll miss you.’”

An elderly man walks into a confessional.

The following conversation ensues:

Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,

many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.

Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.

We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.”

Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”

Man: “What sins? ”

Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”

Man: “I’m Jewish.”

Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”

Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”