Jokes

I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.

She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens.

When the doctor said there was a cure for dyslexia, it was music to my arse

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive.

My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

If your Uncle Jack was on his roof, and he wanted you to help him down, would you help your Uncle Jack off?

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office.

The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating."

"I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you."

I had to cancel my appointment at the sperm back and told them I couldn't come.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilised dinosaur fart.

They say it’s a blast from the past.

Which hand is better to write with?

Neither, it’s better to write with a pen