Jokes

Welcome to The Shouting Club hotline.
We're currently experiencing very high call volumes!

A man has just been ran over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry.
The police said there was no easy way to tell his family!

Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.

The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.

The second guy wishes the same.

The third guy says: ‘I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.’

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch.

He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

‘No,’ says the neighbour. ‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’

The neighbour says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible…But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?’

The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in.

the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’

In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again.

Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, ‘I pick this room.’

Satan says OK and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, ‘OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!’

China has a population of a billion people. One billion.

That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

I got sacked as the leader of the orchestra.

Apparently I didn't conduct myself properly!

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Tooth pics!

Why are toilets always so good at poker?

They always get a flush

You know, it was so cold in London the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.