Jokes

When ordering food at a restaurant, I asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

Man: "Babe is it in?"
GF: "Yea."
Man: "Does it hurt?"
GF: "Uh huh."
Man: "Let me put it in slowly."
GF: "It still hurts."
Man: "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!" "Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

Why did the woman leave her husband after he spent all their money on a penis enlarger?

She just couldn’t take it any longer.

Want to know why they say eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life?

Because if you eat that stuff, you’re sure to eat anything.

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?" He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill." Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?" The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.

You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun.

The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.

If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.