Jokes

My bike was steering me the wrong way so I called my cycologist.

I've got a mate who just won a holiday for him and four mates, plus £4,000 spending money!

He asked me if I was free the last two weeks in October and I confirmed that I was...

The bastard wants me to put his bins out!

A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins.

What a turtle disaster

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week.

Phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

I've been off work all week because my pet cow is sick…

My boss thinks I'm milking it!

I've just had a woman at the door for over an hour telling me the benefits of brown bread...

Bloody Hovis Witnesses!

What do you call a belt with a watch on it?

A waist of time.

A red and blue ship have collided in the Caribbean sea.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

Today, my parsley, basil, and rosemary all turned against me.

Thyme is on my side, though.

What do you call a potato wearing glasses?

A spectator.