Jokes

My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate...

I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock!

Working on some new golf jokes but they’re still a fairway below par.

Billy's wife is threatening to leave him because he is too arrogant!

Billy told her to close the door on her way back in.

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked, “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?”

The old farmer said, “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.”

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater.
He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge.

The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie.

“Marge,” whispered Mildred.

“What?” said Marge.

“I think the guy next to me is a pervert.”

“What makes you think so?” asked Marge.

“He undid his pants and he has his thing out,” whispered Mildred.

“Eh, don’t worry about it,” said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.”

“I thought so too,” said Mildred, “but this one’s eatin’ my popcorn!”

Taking inspiration from 'I'm a celebrity' I ate a cows testicle, a pigs eyeball and a sheeps penis last night.

Or a Lidl sausage roll as it's known.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun.

The judge gave me 15 years.

Problem solved

I tried to warn my son about playing Russian roulette.

It went in one ear and out the other

Just going to head over to the conjunctivitis clinic.

That’s a site for sore eyes.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.