Jokes

Christmas day we have in-laws that become out-laws by boxing day

The missus just asked why it's called Boxing Day.

I told her that it's because men don't have to come home from the pub until we've had twelve rounds…

Don't think she believes me!

A lady goes to a tattooist and asks for 'Xmas' down one inner thigh and 'New Year' down the other.

The tattooist asked, "Why did you choose those tattoos?"

The lady replied, "Well my husband is always moaning that there's nothing to eat between Xmas and New Year. Now there is!"

My new year resolution is to quit my 2 bad habits: Smoking and masturbating...

It's gonna be hard because I'm a 20 a day man and I smoke like a chimney!

Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer?

She kept running away from the ball.

If we are to be serious about saving the planet, we should stop printing calendars.

They're the reason our days are numbered.

I'll get my coat

I've accidentally swallowed a load of scrabble pieces....my next trip to the toilet could spell trouble!

Why is it so hard to take a good photo of a wheat field?

The image is always grainy.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long.

There’s something fishy about that place.