Jokes

What is the best present for noisy kids?

Broken drums! - You can't beat them.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry…I’ll return.

What do you call a one-legged hippo?

A hoppo.

I made a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change colour?

He had a reptile dysfunction.

Why did the lawyer show up to court in his underwear?

He forgot his lawsuit.

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.

What do you call a scuba diving dog?

A sub woofer.

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'
The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'
This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,
Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'