Jokes

What’s it called when you have too many aliens?

Extraterrestrials.

A man is stuck on the freeway near Washington DC. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a guy knocks on his window and he rolls it down. ''What's going on?'' he askes.

''Terrorists have captured the entire Congress and they're holding them to ransom. They say they want $100 million or they'll douse them all with gasoline and set fire to the lot. We're going from car to car collecting donations.''

''How much are people giving, on average?'' Askes the driver.

''Roughly a gallon each.''

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type.

The last thing she said was, 'Be positive.'

But it’s hard without her.

The wife wanted a vacation, but the husband wanted a staycation.

So they compromised and had an altercation.

ok I'll get me coat

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Aluminum Man?

Iron Man stops the bad guy. Aluminum Man foils their plans.

Did you hear about the new squirrel diet?

It's just nuts.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous.

I'm seeing a lot of new faces in the crowd this week.

What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator