Jokes

Why are vegan women excellent at giving head?

Because they are used to eating nuts.

What do you call a religious person who sleepwalks?

A roamin’ Catholic.

People are making apocalypse joke like there is no tomorrow!

Have you ever tried to catch some fog in a jar?

I tried yesterday but I mist.

I was on holiday in Turkey and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.

They shave with a solid steel stoneground razor, snip out nose and ear hairs, wax off chest and back hair, pluck all the hairs out of the crack of your arse, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's never looked so good .

I’m on a whiskey diet.

I’ve lost three days already

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I'm enjoying my retirement after being a cricket umpire...

I no longer lift a finger!

I’m terrified of lifts, so I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.