Jokes

The chicken and the egg are in bed.

The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says, 'Well, I guess that answers that question.'

“The Great Toilet Roll Heist”

Meet Callum and Priya, a couple who had just moved into a new flat with one fatal flaw: the toilet roll holder was mounted behind the toilet. Like, full yoga twist required. Whoever designed it clearly hated comfort and elbows.
Day 1: Callum attempts the reach. Dislocates dignity. Priya laughs so hard she drops her phone in the sink.
Day 3: They try rotating the roll forward before sitting down. But the holder has a spring mechanism so aggressive it launches the roll like a paper torpedo. Callum gets hit mid-squat. Priya calls it “The Bidet of Shame.”
Day 5: They install a freestanding holder. The cat knocks it over daily. Toilet rolls now roam freely like tumbleweeds of hygiene.
Day 7: Priya tapes a roll to the wall with duct tape. It becomes a shrine. Guests ask if it’s modern art.
Day 10: Callum invents a pulley system using string, a coat hanger, and a whisk. It works once. Then the whisk detaches and hits him in the knee. Priya calls it “The Wipe and Smite.”
Day 14: They give up and just keep the roll on the sink. But one day, it falls in mid-flush. The toilet clogs. The plumber arrives, sees the soggy roll, and says, “Ah. The classic Flat 3 Flush Trap.”
Day 15: They move the toilet roll holder to the door. Now they have to stand up, walk across the room, and salute the roll before returning to finish the job.

I couldn’t figure out how to put my seatbelt on…

but then it clicked.

I never trust people who do acupuncture.

They’re back stabbers.

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?

Remorse code.

I’m a huge fan of whiteboards.

They’re re-markable.

My favorite word is “drool.”

It just rolls off the tongue.