Jokes

The Garlic Press, the Corkscrew, and the Wooden Utensils Walk Into a Kitchen

The Garlic Press strutted onto the countertop like it owned the place.“Right, team, tonight we’re making dinner. I’m the star, obviously.”

The Corkscrew twirled its wings dramatically.“Please. The only reason anyone invites us to dinner is me. I bring the wine. You bring… smelly fingers.”

The Garlic Press gasped.“That’s aroma, thank you very much.”

Meanwhile, the bag of 8 Wooden Utensils shuffled in like a group of Year 7s on their first day of school.

One spoon whispered, “Do we… do we talk? Or just stir things quietly and hope no one notices us?”

Another spoon nudged it. “Mate, we’re eight strong. We’re basically a boyband. Stick together.”

The Corkscrew clapped its metal wings.“Alright, everyone, positions! Dinner’s starting soon.”

The Garlic Press puffed up.“Finally, my moment. Bring me the garlic!”

But the human walked in, looked at the three of them……and picked up a takeaway menu instead.

The Corkscrew sighed.“Typical. We train for greatness, and they order a kebab.”

The Garlic Press muttered, “At least kebabs use garlic.”The Wooden Utensils huddled together.“Do kebabs need stirring?”“No, mate.”“Oh.”

The Corkscrew stretched its wings dramatically.“Well, team… same time tomorrow.”

And they all agreed, because in that kitchen, hope springs eternal — especially when the human keeps buying new gadgets.

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time?

'No,' he replied. 'A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...''

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse."

"And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.

"No I did not," the doctor said.

"So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

What is Smurfette's biggest secret?
Before she was famous she starred in a blukkake video....

Hiking in your 70s is a great way to meet new people.

Today I met two paramedics, three nurses, a cardiologist and nearly met my maker.

A man tells his doctor, “Ever since you prescribed me those sleeping pills, I’ve finally been able to relax!”

The doctor says, “Glad to hear. And you’re only taking 1 per night, right?”

Man replies, “Oh, I’m not taking them. I’ve been giving them to my wife.”