RE: Room 101
Oh, look! Someone bumped this thread. Well, I'm generally a pretty calm sort of fella, but since the thread is up and running again...
1. People who have no concept of "personal space", so get right in your face every time you talk to them, even going so far as to take a step forward each time you move back a pace. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SPACE INVADER!
2. Perfume/soap/shampoo that contains fruit extracts. I like food. A lot. When I'm getting up close and personal with a woman, I do not want to find myself thinking "Nice tits, but they aren't important right now. What matters is that I couldn't half murder a fruit salad."
3. Creationists who point to really unflattering photos of gorillas and ask "So you think we're descended from that?" No I don't think I'm descended from that, it's a fucking gorilla! For a start, you have a high quality colour photo photo of it so that gorilla was alive until quite recently. How quickly do you think we think evolution happens? Do you think I'm not scared of drowning because before I suffocate I'll evolve gills? Also, as an interesting sidenote just because one creature looks a bit like another one doesn't mean one gave rise to the other. And don't give me that "Can you make an eye in a laboratory?" crap. No, I can't. I can't bake a fucking wedding cake either. That doesn't mean I think the cake at my wedding appeared spontaneously as a gift from a magic man in the sky. My sister-in-law bought it. I do not now worship her as the almighty giver of the mysterious gift of iced fruit cake.*
4. The funny smell coming from behind our fridge. It's been there for months and I can't figure out what the hell it is.
5. Singers who think ending every line of your song by climbing then descending through 8 octaves makes you a good singer. No it doesn't, carrying a tune and adapting your voice to fit the song makes you a good singer. Contorting the tune to fit your "strangled cat" approach to vocalisation just makes you sound like you stubbed your toe in the recording booth.
6. Mariah Carey, Celine Dion, Leona Lewis, every winner/contestant on the X Factor and its ilk, every soft rock bunch of muppets like The Fray etc.. (See above)
7. Buying a packet of jam doughnuts, then one of them having been put into the wrong packet and geting a mouthful of unexpected and freezing cold custard. Surprise custard is never a good thing.
8. Starlings. DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU SNEAKY LITTLE FEATHERED BASTARDS ARE UP TO!
9. People who misuse the word "literally". Do you even know what the word means? If you don't then stop fucking using it, if you do then fucking well use it properly. I absolutely detest when some pimply prick in Curry's or wherever is trying to demonstrate how a telly works and says something totally moronic like "You literally just turn it on." Oh really? As opposed to what, exactly? Figuratively turning it on and staring at a blank screen? Metaphorically turning it on and learning about myself from the dichotomy of action and lack of response? Fuckwit!
That'll do for now. Further bulletins as and when something else makes me fume...
* Yes, Jehovah's Witnesses knocked me out of bed at 9:30 this morning. They left my door wiser, better educated about how evolution works and quite possibly with permanent hearing damage.
"You say sarcasm is the lowest form of wit. I say that I tailor my jokes to the audience..."
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