I Complained to a Babe Show!

Well, someone had to do it, if only to find out what actually happens. Yes, I took the ultimate plunge and submitted a full dossier of grievance to the Head Office of the company (which will remain nameless), at 4.17am, one Sunday in July. I have now received my response. I won’t bore you with the fullness of my submission, but here is the reply I received…

Dear valued customer:
If we understand your complaint correctly Sir, you have said you believe you were thrust into a state of clinical hypnosis whilst watching our programme. You state that on the night in question, our onscreen babe did draw a series of numerals around the nipple of one breast, and then did steadily swing the breast back and forth, at close proximity to camera, "like a magnificent pocket watch". You conclude that these actions drove you to dial our number and then lapse into what was basically a coma. You provide a series of quotes attributed to the magician Paul Daniels, which you say support to your claim.

With respect, however, we would contend that you are mistaken.The symptom you experienced – the sensation of being upside down behind your washing machine, is not consistent with televisual hypnosis. The leading hypnotist we consulted on this matter suggests that if you had the sensation of being upside down behind the washing machine, then in all probability you were upside down behind the washing machine. We would therefore tactfully suggest that rather than being clinically hypnotised, you were in fact vertically pissed.

If you have now recognised that you were vertically pissed when you wrote your complaint, and have subsequently recovered, please feel free to send us your feedback. If you were pissed when you complained and are still pissed now, you may still send us your feedback, but please write "I am still pissed" at the top of the page.

Finally, you appear to have enclosed a sachet of semen* and a paint chart with your complaint. You have not said what you wish us to do with these items, other than compare the colour of the semen with the paint chart – which we have done, but without really knowing why. Depending on your preference, please tick either ‘Return my semen and chart’ or ‘Destroy my semen and chart’ on the tear-off slip, and post it with your feedback.

So there it is. That’s what happens when you crawl in at 1am, get mesmerised by breasts, and then think it's a good idea to make a complaint. If you’ve been affected by any of the issues discussed in this piece, why not share your pain? Oh, and… you’re back in the room, by the way.

*It may well be illegal to send semen through the post, and even if not, it is probably not a very good idea.