How to Impress a TV Babe

HOW TO IMPRESS A TV BABE – The Manual.

YOU WILL REQUIRE: a 3G-enabled phone, a paper bag.

First, check that you have not let yourself go. You can establish this by asking yourself questions such as… Does my girlfriend think I'm wearing mohair pants when I'm stark naked?… Has my doctor started wearing a blindfold?… Have the Samaritans started giving me money?… If you are answering "Yes" to questions of this type, then in all probability you have let yourself go, and stand no chance whatsoever of impressing a TV babe. If you have not let yourself go, continue as follows...

Locate the 3G number on your TV screen and dial it. As you are negotiating your way to the model of your choice, place a paper bag over your head. A plastic bag may kill you. The first problem with this is that you will be dead – which will not be especially impressive, and the second is that you will end up the subject of widespread online ridicule whilst encased in a coffin and unable to answer back. So use paper, not plastic.

Greet the model and introduce yourself as a celebrity. Ensure your chosen celeb is alive, as this will make your introduction all the more believable. Do not choose someone who is only famous because he is the subject of a nationwide police manhunt – unless, that is, as part of your experience you would like to be shot in the balls with a taser.

Ladies are often impressed by uniformed men with highly responsible jobs. If you were to choose to be the Assistant Commissioner of your local police force, you would satisfy this brief, whilst retaining a fair level of celebrity status. Get into character, but do not go too far. Do speak in an authoritative fashion, but do not go outside, close off a dual carriageway, and start yelling at trucks and buses from the central reservation.

It's said by psychologists that the best way to impress a lady is to play hard to get. This, however, is not recommended. Playing hard to get when you're desperate, have a bag over your head, and are paying £2 per minute is not particularly sensible. It's like the jockey who's last in the Grand National deciding to play hard to win – trying to tie the horse's legs together whilst in motion and pulling its tail, then hanging off the side of the horse upside-down and dragging his shoulders along the grass. If any such supremely dim jockey managed by some miracle to finish the race in one piece, it most certainly wouldn’t be as the winner. I think what I'm trying to say is don't play hard to get because it's really quite a stupid idea.

Seduce the model with immediate effect. She is a lady and will therefore wish to hear slick, sophisticated language. For this reason, when referring to your anatomy you should avoid using terms such as "bell-end", "knackers", or "the bit round the back of my bollocks before you get to my arse". Speak of the model's firm ripeness and express that you seek to indulge yourself in her soft curves whilst you fruit your loins. Try not to break wind whilst you are saying this as it tends to take the gloss off your advances – and do make sure you say "fruit your loins" and not "bash one off", as this will similarly detract from the general ambience.

Your orgasm. Leading sex experts have found that when a man has an orgasm, he is capable of cogent consideration and can, apparently, even invent something whilst in the process of blowing his load. He is able to add up, subtract, multiply, divide, and in the unlikely event that he paid any attention at school, perform square root calculations. During sexual climax a man is also able to resist arrest, play the drums, and commit fraud – though not all at the same time, obviously. In fact, as you reach your moment of sexual fulfilment, you may actually become significantly more intelligent than usual and you should use this to your advantage. Use your sudden burst of intelligence to empathise with a woman's inner feelings, and not to discuss advanced thermodynamics. If you are going to invent something, invent something which will impress the model. An advanced social networking tool is a good idea. An arse assessment kit probably isn't.

The model's orgasm. Yeah, if you say so.

So, those are the basics, but since I'm in the 'novice' category when it comes to impressing women, it would be nice to have some tips from an expert.

I'm reminded of the story of the guy trying to get off with a babe so he asked her:

- if I won £100 million on the Euro lottery would you sleep with me?

- of course I would!!

- if I won the £15 million double roll-over on the UK lottery would you sleep with me?

- you bet!!

- great!! I won a tenner on the lottery last night!! My place or yours???

- what sort of a girl do you think I am???

- we've already established that, love, it's only the price we're negotiating!!

i just thought ya dialed a number and then you pay them to be impressed

Say you are just in the UK for a few nights while the oil ministers conference is on and can they recommend a good restaurant, because you dont know anyone here outside the oil business.

Or work out whos not on. Then ring up and apologies, say you meant to ring the office number to say [babes name] wont be in because shes totally shagged out and has a sore fanny. Then say you were going to take her to see small rat-dog puppies and Billy Elliott, but youre sad because she cant make it. Hold phone at arms length while babes stampede to get at you.