Oh God don't even ask!!
Basically, I've recently discovered that my ejaculant is a dramatic anti-ageing miracle juice which attacks wrinkles, smoothing away fine lines and deep creases alike. And now, the 'manufacturing process', shall we say, has taken over my life.
I am calling the potion Spunk. I was initially told I had to change the name, because if you want EU accreditation on a medical/cosmetic product (which I did), you're not allowed to call it Spunk unless it's literally just spunk, with no added ingredients.
My pro-active formula also contained fresh strawberry juice, so I called it Strunk. Then the supermarket ran out of strawberries so I replaced the strawberry juice with T-Cut. But that resulted in dry skin so I added batter mix. I don't know what it was, exactly, that made me start mixing strawberry juice with spunk and putting it on my face, but after doing it for six weeks I just suddenly woke up with really soft skin and my lines had gone. Once I'd replaced the strawberry juice with T-Cut and batter it gave even better results, but the fragrance wasn't up to much so I sprayed Lynx into it.
There's no set recipe for the unscented potion, so the mix of spunk, T-Cut and batter can vary in proportion. Sometimes it may be 70% spunk, 20% batter and 10% T-Cut. But equally, it could be, say, 54% batter. However, there will never be more T-Cut than batter because that has proven to be tougher on the face than an orbital sander.
Before getting accreditation on a product like this you have to have it assessed by the EU, then they give you a certificate which you can show to Amazon, Bid TV, Dragons' Den or whatever. I thought the EU board would already know all about T-Cut, batter and Lynx so I just sent the spunk. Then the certificate came back stating that not only was I now allowed to call it Spunk, but that I no longer had any actual choice and would
have to do so. So I said: "What d'you mean? I've called it Strunk now and printed all the labels. You said I could only call it Spunk if it was literally just spunk". And they said: "Well it
is literally just spunk". And I said: "Well the sample I sent
you was literally just spunk, but I've already told you the one everyone else gets has got T-Cut, batter and Lynx in it". And they said: "Well why have you just sent spunk if the product's got T-Cut, batter and Lynx in it?" So I said: "Because the proportions are variable and I was assuming you've already tested T-Cut, batter and Lynx." And they said: "So why bother sending the spunk?" And I said: "So you could test it and decide what category it falls into or something". And they said: "Well what the bloody hell category did you think it was gonna fall into, other than the category of 'spunk'?" So I said: "Well not all spunk cures wrinkles does it?" And they said: "How do we know? We don't sit there wanking in front of the telly all night and then putting it on our faces do we?"...
Anyway, fifty or so emails later they requested full details of my manufacturing process. So I sent them a vid of me making the miracle juice in my lounge, with Lolly Badcock and Camilla on the TV. They described my manufacturing process as "total chaos" (the EU, that is, not Lolly and Camilla), and said that because I obviously didn't know what I was doing I'd have to label the product Spunk, then write 'May contain T-Cut, batter and Lynx' underneath.
But to answer the original question, life has now essentially become one long wank.
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