Jokes

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?"

He replies, "No."

She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"

a little girl walks into her parents bedroom one night and screams fucking hell and you want me to see a doctor coz i suck my fucking thumb

A farmer in Devon has successfully grown a field of vibrators! Unfortunately, he has a problem with squaters.

according to recent studies, Blowjobs are the healthiest breakfast as it comes with a sausage, 2 nuts and a protein shot!! So do the women in your life a favour and pass this message on so they stay healthy... suck a Dick and you wont get sick!!!

Holly Willoughby, brilliant ad lib, makes a brilliant joke, you have to skip the clip to 0:53 - 1:24 live on this morning, too much celebrity juice methinks.

paddy sitting on a train opposite a stunning blond in a miniskirt he realises she has no panties on.are you looking at my pussy she says oh im sorry says paddy thats alright says the girl,its very clever,watch this i can make it blow you a kiss and then wink at you.paddy watches in amazement.come and sit next to me she says.would you like to stick your fingers up,fucking hell he says dont tell me it can whistle as well

Generous lawyer

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend.

The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls.

The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that."

The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pat him a little bit first."

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?

Your date has to chew before she swallows.

A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.

The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements.

She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.


Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's.

She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's.

Again, she says that it is ok.


That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened".

She says "I know, you're passing BB's".

"No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".