Jokes

Guy had just had a night of steamy sex with his Vietnamese girlfriend when she started to play with his member again. Guy say`s "Why do you allways play with my thingy after sex" Girlfriend reply`s " Its just that i miss my own one so much":)

Murphy's girlfriend said that she wanted a rape alarm, so at 5.30 this morning he put tape over her mouth, held her down, fucked her up the ass and wispered "time to get up honey"

A husband standing naked in front of the mirror, says to his wife

"why do I always get a hard-on when I look at my naked body"

his wife replies "Cos even your cock thinks you're a c**t!"

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?" A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, "I believe my dog just killed it, sir." "What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have?" "Sir," answered the little man, "it's a little four week old female puppy." "Bull!" roared the biker, "how could your puppy kill my Doberman?" "It appears that your dog choked on her, sir."
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A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..."


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The three Paddy's decide to enter the olympics. First Paddy turns up with a pitch-fork. When asked what event he was entering he replied "I'm here to throw the javlin".
Second Paddy turns up with a bin lid. When asked which event he was entering he replied "I'm here to throw the discus".
Third Paddy turns up pushing a wheelbarrow full of condom's. When asked which event he was entering he replied "I'm here for the three day riding event".

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The Black Bra...
The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged,
one is a mistress, and of course I've been married for 20+years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing
a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here is how it went!
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice,
tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you…"
We made love all night long.
The mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask
over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to tell my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos & a mask
over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"


Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community.
After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women were entitled to climax once in a while.
To resolve the problem they went to visit the local vet since
there was no trustworthy doctor in the village.
The vet didn't have a clue but recalled how during the hot summer,
His mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty
breeding with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.
So the vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man, to wave a big towel over them when they were having sex. This, the vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, and then climax.
The couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave a towel over them as suggested. After many efforts Maggie had still not climaxed so they went back to the vet.
The vet suggested she change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy wave the towel.
They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming,
ear-splitting climaxes that lasted for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said;"And that, me son, is how you wave a fookin' towel!"


A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said,
'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,' and
indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read:
'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to t he waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear tobe: I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600, and aPorsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , and Miami , as well as a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'


9 months later!
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.
'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'
'Don't worry,' Jack said.'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the
weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared,and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.It took him a few minutes to figure it out,but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Boband asked,'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'
'Yes, I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes !,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy,
I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She just died and left me everything.'

The Human Body
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's p_nis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.


Whats the first sign of madness?
Suggs on your doorstep

A son asks his dad 'what is the difference between theoretically & realistically'

dad says 'thats a difficult question but I have an idea how to explain it for you,Go ask your mother,your sister & your brother if they would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds'

The son goes off & returns 5 minutes later,his dad asks him what were the replies to his question...

'My Mother said yes,my sister said yes & even my brother said yes they would sleep with Wayne Rooney for a million pounds' replied the son

the dad says well there you go son,thats the answer to your question...

Theoretically we're sitting on 3 million pound, Realistically we're living with two f**king sl*gs & a f**king faggot!

The three Paddy's all died on Christmas Eve and were met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," St. Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven."

First Paddy fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates," St. Peter said. Second Paddy reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". St. Peter said, "you may pass through the pearly gates." Third Paddy started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" Third Paddy replied, "They're Carols."

Where did the Astronaut park his car ?
................In a space..Man


Im here all week

Gorgeous babe goes to the doctor. Whats wrong said the doc. Well say`s the babe, i am getting married next week and i have saved myself for my wedding night. I dont know what i am suppose to do on our wedding night. Doc says, we will start with the basics. Have you ever seen your boyfriend in the nude? Babe says, well i cought a glimpse of him in the shower. Doc says, well that thing hanging between his legs is his penis.Now on your wedding night he will take it and shove--- oh excuse me said the babe but before we go any further, what are those two round things about 18 inches from the end of his penis? Doc says for your sake girl I hope its the cheeks of his arse!!!!!!