Jokes

Wife in bed to praying husband: "What are you praying for?" "Guidance,"
"You pray for stiffness, I'll guide it myself."

I said to my girlfriend I'd buy her a diamond ring for her 21st birthday and she told me that nothing would please her more, so i got her nothing.

This is not a joke but 1000 pages worth of jokes is a worth a mention, keep it up and to all the contributors thanks for bringing the laughs.

Now back to the jokes
I bought an instrument that cost me a thousand pounds the other day

It was a grand piano

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith yesterday. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted, "Oi, what's your disability?"
I said, "Tourettes! Now fuck off you cunt!"

As the wife and I headed off on a romantic vacation we talked about what
kinky things we'd like to do to each other.

She said, "I've always wanted to be hand cuffed"

So I planted a kilo of cocaine in her suitcase ...

Dear Sir:

The results from the laboratory confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancerous. It was lipstick. We apologize for the amputation.

Regards,
Dick Less, MD, F.R.C.s.

Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.
The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive." said the second young thing.
"Well, yes." the first agreed. "But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to screw like a rabbit."

The next time you’re having a bad day.
Imagine this:

You’re a Siamese twin.
Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.
You’re not.
He has a date coming over today.
But you only have one ass.

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!