Jokes

At the exact same time there are two young men on opposite sides of the earth.

One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers.

The other is receiving oral sex from a 98 year old woman.

They are both thinking to themselves the exact same thing.

What are they both thinking?

Don’t look down!

Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak

"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.

When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic

I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says “The Titanic is syncing.”

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally

Last night, I dreamed I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.

But it was just a Fanta sea

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's this guy on the dance floor giving it large, break-dancing, moon-walking, back-flips, the full works.

Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband replies, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating."

Have you been hit by a rhythm stick? If so you may be entitled to a personal Ian Dury claim.