Jokes

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

A guy and his wife are sitting and watching a boxing match on television.

The husband sighs and complains, “This is disappointing. It only lasted for 30 seconds!”

“Good,” replied his wife. “Now you know how I always feel.”

"Daddy, where did I come from?" seven-year-old Rachel asks.

It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.

Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" the mom asks.

"Not really," the little girl says. "Judy said she came from Birmingham. I wanted to know where I came from."

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse.

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex.

After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake."

A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake again?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew.

He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."

My three year old son was trying to open a yogurt today. After a few minutes he began to get stressed and said "stupid fucking lid". My wife looked at me and said " wheres he got that from?". I said " the fridge you fucking thick bitch"

I met this sexy young woman last night and immediately we hit it off.

After making love for two hours i said "would you like to hop on top?"

She looked deep into my eyes and said "You haven't raped many girls before have you?"

Man walks into a bar.

Sign says,"Cheese Sandwiches: $1.00 Hand Jobs:$10.00"

He asked the lady behind the bar "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" to which she says "Yes I am !"

The mans then says "I want someone else to make my cheese sandwich "

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream." Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"