Jokes

Sometimes it is very important if a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie yesterday!”

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”

“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
-
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
-
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”

My friend Robbie shocked and hurt me.

He told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.

I mean, what a thing to say to a friend? It totally ruined our bath!

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”

My brother went to jail.

He didn't take it very well.

He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his shit on the wall.

I don't think we will play Monopoly with him again.

Little Johnny once bought his Grandma a very nice, luxurious toilet brush for her birthday, but when he went to visit her a couple of weeks later, it wasn't in the bathroom.

Little Johnny asked his Grandma, “Gran, what happened to the toilet brush I gave you?”

“Darling, I'm sorry but I just didn’t like it. It was too scratchy. After all those years, I’ve gotten used to the toilet paper.”

Bit of a long one so get your reading glasses on

A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone.
So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence.
After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help.
The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick."
"How does it work?" asked the businessman.
The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door."
The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half.
"Fantastic," said the man.
"I'll take it!"
He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip.
Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy."
The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm.
But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop.
So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police.
The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone.
The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass."

I decided to join a group of people who glued themselves to a wall but after a couple of minutes I walked away

I wasn't that stuck on it to be honest

I just went to an emotional wedding.

Even the cake was in tiers.

Today I gave my dead batteries away.

They were free of charge.