Jokes

A sad-looking man walks into a bar. He looks so down the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”

The man replies dolefully, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

The bartender is concerned to hear this and tells the man, “I’m sorry but I can’t help you kill yourself. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself.”

The man asks him, “Well what would you do in my situation?”

The bartender thinks for a moment and says, “Honestly, if I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself or drinking myself to death, I’d kill the guy.”

The man leaps from his stool and shouts, “Hey, that’s a great idea! Thanks!” and runs out of the bar leaving the shocked bartender behind.

A couple hours later the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

The bartender is nervous now. He’s afraid to ask but eventually says, “Did you kill the guy?”

The man says, “No, I slept with your wife! Whiskey please.”

Dating is a lot like fishing.

Sure, there’s plenty of fish in the sea.

But until I catch one, I’m just stuck here holding my rod.

I’m hard and hairy on the outside but soft and wet on the inside. My name begins with “c”, ends in “t”, and there’s a “u” and “n” in between them. What am i?


A coconut.

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door.

They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."

I once had chocolate that was out of this world

It was a galaxy

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

How do you kill a circus clown?

Go for the juggler!

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle.

Then he picked up a hacksaw.

The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?"

The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"