Jokes

An interview with an executioner:

- So, how long have you been working in this job?

- Well, around 10 years…

- And how are you doing in the job?

- Well... no one complained so far

What can be worse than a little stone in your shoe?

Sand in your condom.

Just got back from Tesco where I saw a bloke getting a sombrero, piñata and loads of paella. I can’t believe Hispanic buying still

Whats the difference between love and marriage?

Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener!

Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player?

Because love means nothing to them

What is the difference between a sofa and a husband watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a very small head

After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head?"

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on a deserted island. After several months on this deserted island, a beautiful mermaid suddenly appeared and granted me three wishes. My first wish is that I'd like to be rescued from this island I told her"

To which the Mermaid said, "tomorrow a rescue boat will find you"

"My second wish is that I'd like to be rich for the rest of my days"

The Mermaid said, "invest early in these companies, and you will be a wealthy man... And what is your final wish?"

"Well Mermaid, you know I've been stranded on this island for so long, and seeing as you are so beautiful, I'd wish for nothing more than to sleep with you"

The Mermaid sighed and said, "I cannot grant you that wish, you see I'm a half fish, it would not work"

Frustrated, the man said, "Well how about a little head then?"

A teacher was trying to teach his students good manners.

He asked Michael:

If you took a girl on a date to a restaurant, how would you say that you have to go to the bathroom?

Wait a minute, I gotta pee, Michael replied.

That would be very rude and inappropriate. How would you ask, Chris?

I'm sorry, but I have to really go to the toilet. I’ll be back, Chris said.

That’s better, Chris, but the word ‘toilet’ is not really appropriate for the table. How about you, Johnny?

To which Johnny replied:

Dearest, please excuse me for a moment. I have to shake the hand of my dear friend whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.

On a crowded train, travelling somewhere in Europe.

A U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat before realizing that the only seat available was currently occupied by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed, and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire length of the train again, and discovered that the only seat available was in fact the one currently being occupied by the poodle

Trudging tiredly back, the marine arrived once more before the French woman and said, “Please Ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant. Why should I care if you are tired?"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, but simply picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, then sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone, defend my honour! This American needs to be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold your fork in the wrong hand, and you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."