Jokes

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset.
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"

Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Who said that?"

Helen: "Your husband."

Wife: "Oh."

Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."

Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"

Helen: "No, the gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?"

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?"

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply.

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc.

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

Quasimodo is lying in the road under Nottradamme, badly injured, he looks up and says

"Thats not what I meant when I said toss me off Esmirelda"

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist. She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist, and she was going to propose to him. Her friend said, "Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?" "Because he is the First man that ever said to me, "Spit. Don't Swallow."

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone. The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage.

"Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my teeth's fillings loose."

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife
moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards


again....back and forth...back and forth...in and


out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...


then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.


Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream


and shouted,





"OK, OK! I CAN'T park the f..king car!


You do it, you SMUG bastard!"

Some men like looking at women's arses. Some men like looking at women's tits.

Me, I like looking at the tops of their heads.

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening.

Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!"

But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"

A woman walking past a shop sees an advert in the window.
"Good home wanted for clitoris licking frog."

She goes inside and says to the guy behind the counter, "I've come about the clitoris licking frog."

"Oui madame," the assistant says.

What did Cinderella do when she arrived at the ball?


She gagged.