Jokes

Whats the difference between a dog and a fox

4 pints of beer

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.

He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey.

The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died.

"All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on."

The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk.

He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.

The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles.

The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.

" Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done." She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The bastard used coins, so I'm still picking it up and he is still having sex with me!"

Johnny was watching an adult movie with Mary
Johnny gets a hard-on

Obviously Mary started asking right away: "Johnny what is that?" while pointing at Johnnys dick

Johnny being busy with other stuff answered quickly: "That's a stork"

Mary is still bored and starts asking again: "What is that?" while pointing at Johnnys balls

Johnny then answers: "Those are storks eggs"

Mary is still intrigued: "But Johnny what are these?" while pointing at the pubic hairs

Johnny isn't bothered by Marys stupid questions and says: "That's the storks nest leave me alone already"

The next day Johnny wakes up in a hospital bed and his groin is so painful

Noticing Mary he asks: "Mary, what happened to me?"

Mary answers: "Johnny, I played with your stork yesterday but it spat in my face! I got very angry, I broke the storks neck, smashed its eggs and set the nest on fire"

In a circus, there’s an act with alligators. The trainer makes the alligator open it’s jaws. He then proceeds to drop his pants and sticks his dick between the alligators jaws. The alligator starts to slowly close it’s mouth. Just before it bites off the trainers dick, the trainer hits the alligator on it’s head, which makes it open it’s jaws again.

He then turns to the audience and asks: “ Does anyone from the audience dare do this?”

A shy old granny eventually speaks up: “ I do.... if you promise not to hit me too hard...”

I was doing an adult sex crossword and I said to my wife,

"Female gland to be stimulated for pleasure, can't think of that one."

"I know," she replied, "I'll bet it's not even on the tip of your tongue."

I went with my kids for a swim in the public kids pool and apparently adults peeing in a pool is not entirely unnoticeable.

The lifeguard yelled so loud at me I almost fell in the water.

25% of all adult women are currently on medication for mental illness which is quite scary....


Because that means 75% are running around untreated.