Jokes

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car.

The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

“No!” yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

“For the last time, no!” says the blonde.

Frustrated, the guy asks, “Well, why the hell not?”

The blonde says, “Because I wanna stay up here with you!”

After having a very pleasant 69 with his girlfriend, Joe remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid the Dentist would notice the smell of pussy on his breath, so he brushed his teeth, used dental floss, and also used a whole 4-oz. bottle of Listerine.

As he arrived at the Dentist's office, he also ate a whole packet of strong mint Tic-Tacs.

His turn came up and the Dentist told him to take a seat in the chair. Feeling confident and relaxed, he opened his mouth wide. The Dentist got close and asked, "So, you had a 69 before you came here, eh?"

Joe asked, exasperated, "How did you know? Does my breath still smell like pussy?"

The dentist replied, "No... you have a skidmark on your forehead."

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a thank you note by email.


Boss's wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court


The mails says:
'Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and firm strokes. Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order and it is equally good on both sides. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I've always desired for it and you fulfilled my wish. At last it is mine and mine for ever. Thanks a lot."


Moral: Space between words is an essential part in English!

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

I like to meet my girlfriend at 12.59

We enjoy the 1 to 1 time.

A girl calls her Mother, "Mum, I'm gettin' a divorce"

"A divorce? Why?" the mother asks, shocked.

"Mum, all he wants is Anal Sex, I used to have a lovely little arsehole the size of a 5p piece. Now it's the size of a 50p piece"

The mother replys, "Sweetie, you have a lovely Porsche, a Platinum Credit Card, a Villa in Barcelona, Kids in Private School, and 6 holidays a year. Do you really want to give all that up for the sake of 45p?".

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night.

The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place.

After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda's house. "You owe me money," she says. "For what?" The woman rolls her eyes and explains, "I'm a prostitute."

The panda pulls out a dictionary and looks it up: "Prostitute: Has sex for money."

The panda says, "I don't have to pay you. I'm a panda. Look it up." She is about to protest when the panda hands her the dictionary. The woman looks up "panda" in the dictionary, and it reads, "Panda: Eats bush and leaves.”

A daughter asked her mother, "Mom, how do you spell 'scrotum'?"

Her mom replied, "Honey, you should have asked me last night—it was on the tip of my tongue

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are sitting at a bar complaining about their lives.

The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and, to top them off, they pour ranch dressing all over me. My life sucks."

The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away for months, out of sight. Man, my life is boring. I hate life."

So the penis says, "What are you guys complaining about? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself. They constantly wrap me in a plastic bag, shove me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up.

Boy in the bath with his mum.

Boy says, "Whats that hairy thing mum ?"

Mum replies, "That is my sponge."

"Oh yes," says the boy, "The babysitters got one, I've seen her washing dads face with it ."