Jokes

So, my girlfriend looked at me with her sexy eyes and said, "I want you to make me scream with only two fingers baby"....


so I poked her in the eyes.

What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After about 15 minutes, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!"

The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”
Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”
Wife : “Those they gave away.”
Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”
Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”
Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.

A woman was walking along pushing her newborn baby in the carriage when an old friend approached her.
The friend leaned over, peering into the carriage said, "What a beautiful baby boy, and he looks JUST like his father."
"I know," replied the woman, "I just wish he looked more like my husband!"

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent another $2,000 on liposuction for her and she was over the moon. Then I spend $50 on a blow job for myself and she goes fucking mental. Women!

When I first learned that my teenage daughter went through the car wash with her top down, I thought, "Well, kids can be forgetful sometimes." Then I remembered she doesn't have a convertible. Or a car, for that matter.

What is the definition of Confidence?

When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby

A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man.

So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He secured it tightly, super glued it shut, and removed the handle.

Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to..to..Cut it off, are you?"

The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire!"