Jokes

A man is walking past a high fence, from the other side he hears a crowd chanting, "twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve....".

He strains his neck, and jumps to try and see over, but the fence is too high, the chanting continues, "twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve, twelve....".

He then sees a small knot hole in the fence, looking around, he bends down and peers in.

All at once a stick pokes through the hole and hits him in the eye, a loud cheer goes up and the chanting begins, "thirteen, thirteen..."

terry finishes reading a book called"how to gain respect at home"and decides to try out some of the tips,he says to his wife"
"right,imthe boss from now on.when i get home from work,i expect to find dinner on the table.while im enjoying that you,ll run me a bath so i can relax for an hour.and guess who,s going to dress me afterwards?"his wife replies"the undertaker if you,re not bloody careful"

What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?


The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

at a trial,a lawyer pleads with the judge for leniency."give my client a sentence of months rather than years,your honour"the judge replies
"alright-i hearby sentence the accused to 1,200 months"

what's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?

getting fingered by Captain Hook. (ouch)

I can’t help thinking, Takeshi's Castle would be much better if it had more than one contestant.

what's the definition of trust?

two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
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how did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

when his hand caught on fire. ........................(walking the plank)
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what do you get when you cross a rooster and peanut butter?

a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.

A man enters a Police station in an obvious state of distress.

The desk sargeant asks what the problem is, and the man replies "I've been raped by an elephant!".

The officer quickly takes the man to see the police doctor.

After examining the man, the police doctor turns to him and says "I thought you said you had been raped by an elephant"

"I was" he replies.

"But I know, that an elephant has a long thin penis, you have a hole in your arse the size of a football!"

"I know, the bastard fingered me first!"

a local mp is visiting a nursing home.he asks a 93 year old lady"have you been bed-ridden since you,ve been here?"she replies"a couple of times but i prefer being fcked up the ass on the sofa"

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"whore!" he said, and dropped her.