Jokes

nice one mate...thanks...lol

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."


cheers steve!!

jordan goes to a thai restaurant and orders the special of the day.ten minutes later the waiter comes back with her meal. she cuts a peice of it off puts it in her mouth and chews it.after a moment,she spits out what appears to be a beak and says"what the hell is that?"the waiter replies"its deep fried parrot,madam" jordan goes into a strop"well,im not eating it"the waiter asks"why not?,after all.everyone knows you,ve already swallowed a cockatoo before"

(30-11-2009 17:51 )85stevewest Wrote:  jordan goes to a thai restaurant and orders the special of the day.ten minutes later the waiter comes back with her meal. she cuts a peice of it off puts it in her mouth and chews it.after a moment,she spits out what appears to be a beak and says"what the hell is that?"the waiter replies"its deep fried parrot,madam" jordan goes into a strop"well,im not eating it"the waiter asks"why not?,after all.everyone knows you,ve already swallowed a cockatoo before"

nice one steve



A man and his wife are doing yard work. Husband says to wife, "Your butt is as wide as the grill." She ignores the remark.
A little later the husband takes his measuring tape and goes over to his wife while she is bending over working in a flower bed. He measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it IS as wide as the grill!"
Later that night while in bed her husband starts to feel frisky. She calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you ARE mistaken."

what does the scottish epileptic have for christmas?

a wii fit!

A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, "Open the safe."
She says, "This isn't a real bank, it's a sperm bank."
He says, "Open the safe or I'll shoot."
She opens the safe, and he says, "Now take one of the bottles and drink it."
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, "Now you see? It's not so difficult, is it?"

whats the bad news about being a test tube baby? your dad is a wanker

whats the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? the taste

There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man turned to his camel.
He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling the urge to have sex again so once again he turned to his camel. The camel refused by running away. So he caught up to it again and go on it again.
Finally after riding the camel through the whole desert the man came to a road. There was a broken down car with three big chested beautiful blondes sitting in it.
He went up to them and asked the women if they needed any help.
The hottest girl said ,"If you fix our car we will do anything you want."
The man luckily knew a thing or two about cars and fixed it in a flash.
When he finished are three girls asked, "How could we ever repay you Mr."
After thinking for a short while he replied,"Could you hold my camel?"

what does the starship enterprise and toilet paper have in common?they both circle uranus looking for black holes

one morning while making breakfast, a man walks up to his wife and pinches her on her butt and says, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your brother.