Jokes

Three friends are stranded on a desert.

By a stroke of luck, they find a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were with me…” Wish granted.

What does the lightbulb say when it’s being unscrewed?

I’m feeling delighted…

Want to hear a construction joke?

Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one

They say talk is cheap?

Have you ever talked to a lawyer?

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I am slowly getting over it.

Have you ever tried eating a clock?


It's really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.

I have many jokes about unemployed people.

Sadly none of them work.

My girlfriend treats me like God.

She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"
Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife: "What does that mean?"
Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." His wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

I went into a record shop to buy a CD.

What have you got by the Doors I asked the guy behind the counter.

Just a bucket of sand and a fire blanket he replied.