Jokes

(30-11-2009 18:01 )newark red Wrote:  what does the scottish epileptic have for christmas?

a wii fit!

on the theme of wii jokes,i hope this doesnt cause offence


a scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with ebay.he claims the wii gameboy he recieved wasnt quite what he expected

a guy comes home to his wife one evening with a big bunch of flowers and she says "I suppose this means I have to get on my back with my legs open for the next three days".
The husband says "Why? Don't you have any vases?"

So this yank twat gets into my black cab the other night. He hadn't been around London much, so I took him a good route round to show him a few sights.

"What's that?" he asked.
"That's Tower Bridge," I said. "Took 10 years to build."
"Pathetic, we Americans would have built it in a year."

I said nothing and drove on.

"What's that?"
"That's St Paul's Cathedral, mate."
"How long did that take?"
"That took 15 glorious years."
"15 years! We'd have done it in 8 months."

Started to get a bit pissed off at this cheeky yank cunt, but I needed the fare.

"What about that?"
"That's the Tower of London, mate."
"How long?"
"20 years"
"HA! Useless Brits. We'd have built it in 6 months!"

I'd had enough. I drove him, the long way, to Buckingham Palace.

"And what's this then?" he asked.

"Dunno mate. Wasn't there yesterday."

I fully support Gay Marriages. They have every right to be as miserable as the rest of us

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks Funny!

Paddy and his two friends are talking at work. His first friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."
His second friend says:"I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."
Paddy says:"I think my wife is having an affair with a horse."
Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.
"No I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

a Koala bear decides he wants to get laid, so he picks up a hooker. He goes down on her several times and they are really enjoying themselves. After they are finished the koala bear starts getting dressed.
The hooker says, "wheres my money?"
The koala bear shrugs his shoulders. The hooker repeats herself asking for her money. Again he shrugs his shoulders. The hooker grabs a dictionary and looks up the word hooker and shows it to the koala bear.
It says "gets paid for sex."
The koala bear picks up the dictionary and looks up Koala Bear and shows it to the hooker.
It says, "Eats bush and leaves!"

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.
When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."
He did not understand her remark but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

at school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". The boy decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth."
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth."
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

3 men talking in the pub.

The first says "For Christmas this year I have bought my wife a £1000 diamond bracelet and some long silk gloves, that way if she thinks the bracelet is too much, she can hide it under the gloves."

The seconds says "I have bought my wife a £5000 diamond necklace, and a mink shawl, if she wants to cover the necklace she can wear the shawl."

The third man replies "I got my Mrs a pair of slippers and a dildo, if she don't like the slippers she can go fuck herself!"